Fatherhood

Here's my talk from Father's Day 2013:

I have a father. His name is John. He was born in Bear Lake, Idaho in 1943, so he turned seventy this year. He has been married to my mother, Gloria, for 45 years this August. He is the father of nine living children and grandfather to 30; it will be 31 next month. He served a 2 year mission to Germany, served in the Air Force for 4 years and he plays the piano and organ masterfully. I love my father. Our relationship has not always been stellar, but I do my best to always honor and respect him because he is my father.

Looking back on my younger years, I realize now that I took my father for granted. I was naïve enough to assume most of the other kids I knew had fathers at home, even fathers who loved them and tried to teach them things and do activities with them. It wasn't until high school and college that I really realized how rare it was and how blessed I was to have a worthy priesthood holder as a father.

I also didn't realize when I was young how severely under siege my father, and all fathers, are. In 2004, Elder L. Tom Perry said,

“As we take a long, hard look at the world today, it is becoming increasingly evident that Satan is working overtime... His main target is the fundamental unit of society – the family...It appears to me that the crosshairs of Satan's scope are centered on husbands and fathers. Today's media, for example, have been relentless in their attacks – ridiculing and demeaning husbands and fathers in their God-given roles.”+

I completely agree with Elder Perry's statement. Between the entertainment media portraying men as bumbling incompetents to the news media highlighting incident after incident of neglectful, awful fathers to some social scientists trying to convince us that men in family life are expendable and are only as good as any money or biological matter they provide, the evidence of Satan's attack on fathers and husbands is everywhere.

In that same talk, Elder Perry states simply that “A family needs a father to anchor it.”+ Through modern revelations and experts on family dynamics, we know how essential an involved father is in helping raise happy, well-integrated children. President James E. Faust said in 1993,

“Sociologically, it is now painfully apparent that fathers are not optional family baggage. We need to honor the position of the father...”*

All this begs the question of what can we do. How can we combat Satan in his plan to undermine the family through attacks specifically on fathers? I would offer that we need to teach each other, our friends, our communities, and most especially our children, to honor and respect fatherhood through our words and examples.

Even when circumstances are not the ideal, if there's perhaps no father or husband or children in your home, you can still honor and respect the role of your father or your home teacher or bishop or friends - whoever in your life that helps to fill that priesthood role. Now for that respect and honor to be given, I would also say that the men of the Church need to do their part by fulfilling priesthood and fatherhood responsibilities.

I want to detail five of these priesthood and fatherhood responsibilities as laid out by our modern day prophets.

First responsibility: be a worthy priesthood holder and preside and lead your family in righteousness. In 1994, President Hunter said,

“A man who holds the priesthood regards the family as ordained of God. Your leadership of the family is your most important and sacred responsibility. The family is the most important unit in time and eternity and, as such, transcends every other interest in life.”#

The balancing act of everyday life is something that requires constant adjustment. I can tell you from my own experience that there are days when my family gets higher priority and days when it doesn't. I can also tell you that despite what I else I have going on with my life, when my husband and I make our family a priority, often all those other responsibilities are made a bit easier to bear.

President Hunter also said,

“We encourage you, brethren, to remember that priesthood is a righteous authority only. Earn the respect and confidence of your children through your loving relationship with them. A righteous father protects his children with his time and presence in their social, educational, and spiritual activities and responsibilities......A man who holds the priesthood leads his family in Church participation so they will know the gospel and be under the protection of the covenants and ordinance. If you are to enjoy the blessings of the Lord, you must set your own homes in order. Together with your wife, you determine the spiritual climate of your home.” #

It makes sense that before a father can help lead his children, his own personal life must be in order. In order to lead righteously, the one leading needs to be attempting righteousness himself.

Second responsibility, love your wife and express that love. President Hunter said,

“You should express regularly to your wife and children your reverence and respect for her. Indeed, one of the greatest things a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” #

In “The Family: A Proclamation to the World”, we are taught marriage is ordained of God. Little secret: ordained of God doesn't equate to easy. It requires work on the part of both spouses and even then, difficult and unfortunate circumstances can be the result. Our leaders do have some good advice on what we can do to help keep our marriages healthy, for ourselves and our children.

President Faust said,

“I urge the husbands and fathers of this Church to be the kind of man your wife would not want to be without. I urge the sisters of this Church to be patient, loving, and understanding with their husbands. Those who enter into marriage should be fully prepared to establish their marriage as the first priority in their lives.”*

President Hunter taught,

“Tenderness and respect – never selfishness – must be the guiding principles in the intimate relationship between husband and wife. Each partner must be considerate and sensitive to the other's needs and desires. Any domineering, indecent, or uncontrolled behavior in the intimate relationship between husband and wife is condemned by the Lord.”#

I particularly appreciate how in both those quotes, neither of these leaders put all of the blame on the husband or say all of the things that just the husband should be doing. Marriage is a partnership of hopefully equals. That also means equal in needing to improve how the other spouse is treated.

Let me be clear that what I'm about to say is my personal opinion. I believe the general attitude that I personally perceive from many of the women I know about how the trouble in a marriage or the fault in an argument rests with the husband only is a direct example of Satan's attack on men and fathers. There is rarely, if ever, a one-sided problem when it comes to marriage.

Part of my original point, as I mentioned earlier, is that one of the ways we can combat Satan's attacks on the family is for all of us, especially wives, to honor and respect our husbands. I would encourage all women, myself included, to be more aware of what we say to and about our husbands. Are we showing them respect, love, and honor in what we say, especially when we say it in front of children, our's or anyone else's? Do we say things about our husbands that we would be mortified if they heard? Or things we would be mortified to hear our husbands say about us?

Third responsibility, love your children and express that love.

President Hunter said,

“Tender expressions of love and affection toward children are as much the responsibility of the father as the mother. Tell your children you love them.”#

And also,

“You who hold the priesthood must not be abusive in your relationship with children. Seek always to employ the principles of priesthood government set forth in the revelations...President George Albert Smith wisely counseled: 'We should not lose our tempers and abuse one another...Nobody ever abused anybody else when he had the spirit of the Lord. It is always when we have some other spirit.'”#

The principles of priesthood government President Hunter mentions are found, in part, in Section 121 of the Doctrine and Covenants:

“No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge, ... and without guile—Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy; ”

Fourth responsibility, provide for the physical and spiritual necessities.

The Proclamation states:

“...By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners...” $

From the beginning of mankind, husband and wife have worked together to provide all that a family needs. Moses Chapter 4, verse 1 reads:

“And it came to pass that after I, the Lord God, had driven them out, that Adam began to till the earth, and to have dominion over all the beasts of the field, and to eat his bread by the sweat of his brow, as I the Lord had commanded him. And Eve, also, his wife, did labor with him.”

The Proclamation also states:

“...Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs...”

In reading these statements and through reflection, I have come to the following personal opinion: As much as providing temporally is a priesthood and fatherhood responsibility, it is also a Relief Society and motherhood responsibility. President Faust mentions the need for “male nurturing” in his talk I've been quoting from and the verse from Moses mentions Eve laboring with Adam for their family's physical needs. I am not saying that these roles are interchangeable, but there is certainly a lot of overlap and spouses need to work together to meet their family's needs.

While life necessitates a division of responsibilities, I believe that division should be fluid and flexible and made to work for each individual family's needs at whatever stage that family is in. Whatever particular set up works for your family, make the decision with an eye to reality and with prayer and the guidance of the Holy Ghost.

Fifth responsibility, teach your children and give them time. Elder Perry said,

“When you recognize the importance of teaching your children, you become humble, because at once you realize that this is accomplished by precept and example. You cannot be one thing and effectively teach another. You must live and study and pray for the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost. You must purify and organize your life so that your example and leadership reflect the light of the gospel of Jesus Christ.” +

Also, President Hunter said,

“Your first obligation is to get your own spiritual life in order through regular scriptural study and daily prayer. Secure and honor your priesthood and temple covenants; encourage your family to do the same.” #

One of the things from my childhood I always need to give credit for is the great job my parents did with family scripture study, prayer, and Family Home Evening. I'm not saying they were perfect at it. We usually didn't do much scripture study in the summer and by the time I was a teenager, Family Home Evening usually involved watching a movie together.

However, the pattern was established and they capitalized on those times when I was younger to teach us important gospel principles. Sometimes Family Home Evening was a barely contained anarchy but that doesn't cancel out the good that was done by still holding it and the lessons that were learned on those occasions when we children were more receptive.

In speaking about families, President Uchtdorf has taught us,

“In family relationships love is really spelled t-i-m-e, time.”

Also, President Hunter taught in a priesthood session of General Conference,

“Effective family leadership...requires both quantity and quality time. The teaching and governance of the family must not be left to your wife alone, to society, the school, or even the Church.” #

I previously mentioned the balancing act of everyday life and how it needs constant adjustment. One facet of that balancing act is how we spend our time. Try as we might, we can't actually create more hours in a day. Making quality time in sufficient quantity for our family is a constant challenge but I can promise you that what stands to be gained is eternally worth the sacrifices.

For my year's resolution last year, I challenged myself to spend more individual time with each member of my family. My older daughter, Hazel, would usually ask me to watch a show on TV with her while we ate a treat. My son, Speed, was about one and a half at the time so most of his “individual” time meant watching him jump on the bed and reading books. But doing that set a pattern and now that he's a little bit older, we sit and talk regularly, just the two of us. My husband also makes sure he takes just one of the children on different errands with him to get some individual time, to talk and just be together. Already I see the benefits from this individual time as our children tell us what they like and don't like and about any concerns they have. I believe this practice will continue to strengthen our relationships with our children as they grown.

A few more thoughts on a mother's and father's role in the family. President Faust said,

“...each parent is necessary at various times in a child's development. Both fathers and mothers do many intrinsically different things for their children. Both mothers and fathers are equipped to nurture children, but their approaches are different. Mothers seem to take a dominant role in preparing children to live within their families (present and future). Fathers seem best equipped to prepare children to function in the environment outside the family.”*

I personally prefer President Hinckley's wording about roles the best, as quoted by Elder Perry in speaking to the brethren,

“Remember, brethren, that in your role as leader in the family, your wife is your companion. As President Gordon B. Hinckley has taught: 'In this Church the man neither walks ahead of his wife nor behind his wife but at her side. They are coequals.' Since the beginning, God has instructed mankind that marriage should unite husband and wife together in unity. Therefore, there is not a president or a vice president in a family. The couple works together eternally for the good of the family.” +

The best example we could ever have for a father/child relationship is that of the example of Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father. From Elder Perry,

“[An] Example from the Scriptures...The Father and the Savior: In the New Testament we have a glimpse of the Savior's relationship with the Father. One of the most vivid of these glimpses is in the garden just before His betrayal: '[Jesus] kneeled down and prayed, Saying Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done. And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him.'”+

And also from President Faust:

“Holding the priesthood means following the example of Christ and seeking to emulate his example of fatherhood. It means constant concern and caring for one's own flesh and blood. The man who holds the priesthood is to honor it by eternally cherishing, with absolute fidelity, his wife and the mother of his children. He is to extend lifelong care and concern for his children; and their children.” *

The responsibilities of fatherhood and supporting fatherhood are vast and so incredibly important. How we teach or don't teach our children in the home will have lasting effects on them and their children. Defense of the family and the support and honor of the role of fathers is essential in our struggle against Satan. In closing, President Joseph F. Smith counseled:

“Brethren, there is too little religious devotion, love, and fear of God, in the home; too much worldliness, selfishness, indifference, and lack of reverence in the family, or it never would exist so abundantly on the outside. Then, the home is what needs reforming. Try today, and tomorrow, to make a change in your home.” +

*James E. Faust 

 +L. Tom Perry 

 # Howard W. Hunter 

 $ The Family: A Proclamation to the World